I journal therefore I am.

Now I've had a baby and my life will never be the same again. This is usually absolutely wonderful, but some days it's totally scary. In general, motherhood has been a delightful surprise. I guess I just expected it to be so much harder than it's been. I'm sure it will get harder too, but even the night feedings havn't been so bad. In fact last night he only woke up ONCE between 10 pm and 7 am. Grey actually wakes up every night on the dot at 3 a.m. no matter if he fell asleep at 9 o'clock or midnight. Interesting. I've got no explanation. (However just to keep reality in check here, there have been nights when he's not even slept for 2 hours straight, waking up every hour and a half hungry and needing affection.)

The thing I've been realizing the most is how absolutely crucial it is to take time for myself. Everyone says that (especially in pregnancy and parent magazines and blogs) but it's true already. For me that means I need to take the time to journal and write more often. Before Grey was born it was rare for me to go a day without journaling and now it's rare if I journal two days in a row. But this is something simple I need to make time for. For me, the type of writing I do in my journal is a mixture of rambling, ranting, praying, and processing that really keeps me sane and focused. Even though I'm in school to get a creative writing MFA, my unfiltered, uncensored journaling is something totally different. When I spend even one focused, undistracted half hour writing in my journal it totally changes my whole perspective. Perhaps change is the wrong word. It keeps my perspective where it always should be, could be, can be. Writing centers me. Frees me. Frees me to be who I am and somehow helps me let go of all the junk that keeps me from living joyously. The more I write, the more laidback and relaxed I am about everything in my life. This relaxation actually releases me to pursue my ambitions and goals without fear. After a good time of journaling I feel focused, motivated and at peace.

So the obvious question is why don't I make time for this? How hard can it be to find a peaceful 1/2 hour? Anyone who has a child understands that even drinking your cup of tea or coffee before it gets cold can be a challenge. But, of course the other reason is that I havn't truly acknowledged how important it is. I have plenty of time to pray and think while breastfeeding 20 times a day, but somehow that isn't the same. I need a pen in my hand. Call it a crutch if you want, but who cares when it's effective. I need to make time for this every day. It'll be good for my husband, good for my child and good for me. I'm a better, happier person when I've been able to let my thoughts gush on paper.

You may be wondering how I even have time to write this blog post. Well, that's because my wonderful husband realized I was overwhelmed and needed some time alone so he took Grey on a walk and I hopped in the bath tub for a little soak. I was going to do some dishes, fold the laundry and work on a paper for class when I got out, but as I was sitting there, I started to reflect on the last time I was able to leave the house to go journal at a coffee shop and how I came back home so invigorated, as if I'd actually had a whole night's sleep. So, I decided to sit down and process that and thought I might as well start updating this blog again. I hope everyone has their thing that helps them center their mind and release their worries. For me, it's sitting down with my journal to pour out my heart, my thoughts. It's less directed at God as it is acknowledging that He's there as a partner in the process. Anyways. It's good. So now I'm going to go write in my journal, release the stuff that isn't for the public's view. Have a nice day. Go journal.